Dearest readers, welcome to the Thursday edition of TheRedShirts weekly NFL preview to be known from this time, till the end of time as the Lack Daddy report (or until I think of something more creative to call it). To preview, this article will be an in-depth breakdown of the TNF game. So if you’re looking for absurd predictions supported by borderline slanderous takes, I suggest you hit back now, and make your way over to Mikelberry’s liar. That being said, I will never mince words nor will I shy away from colorful descriptions. If your team, say my Tampa Bay Buccaneers for example, looks more like Paul Walker’s Porsche, than an actual professional football team, I will make that quite clear. So once again, thank you for taking the time to read this article.
Thanksgiving is the best holiday of the year, hands down. If you question that, or some nincompoop does you or they need to be…actually nothing needs to be done. Just let that sad heretic continue upon their miserable existence believing that Christmas can even hold Thanksgiving’s jock. I mean nothing can compete with a day that is completely secular, involves an incredible meal, brings together family love them or hate them, has football on all day, all to celebrate a wonderful moment in human history 400 years ago, that kicked off a not so nice genocide…sorry true fact… lets just get to the good stuff.
Detroit Lions(6-4) vs Minnesota Vikings(8-2)
Ford Field, 12:30 PM, FOX
Thanksgiving meal equivalent: Fully dressed, perfectly cooked, stuffing filled, mouth watering turkey.
That’s right folks, this is your creme de le creme to look forward to tomorrow, which is a shame because it’s the first game, but that does mean that you won’t… or shouldn’t be at least, blackout drunk or eating by that point. Why is this the main course you say? Oh it’d be my honor to inform.
The Vikings are the turkey itself. Hearty, filling, never ending and just so good that it’ll last you for days to come…just like a great defense, which everyone knows wins championships and travels(5th overall at the moment). Fully dressed and perfectly cooked. This means the turkey is gonna be on its A game, dressed to the 9’s, sprayed on that Versace sample cologne from Sephora just to make itself seem extra special. This is a college bar 7 transforming into a solid 8 the moment she slides some heels on and a black dress for your fraternity’s formal. Who could this be you might ask? Why, Case Keenum of course! A career backup that couldn’t get anything done even with legendary offensive genius Jeff Fisher guiding his path. But not this year, this year Case bought a push up bra, starting doing his make up every day, and made sure to wear the real tight fitting yoga pants to the gym this year to let everyone know that he’s for real….I seem to have drifted away from the turkey analogy but I think yall get it. To be clear though, Keenum of the QB’s to attempt at least 300 passes this year, currently is ranked 8th in completion percentage and is doing his very best to put on a show. Back to the food analogy, so just as you think this turkey, the Vikings, can’t possibly get any better and has sealed the deal as the best dish of the day, thats when the stuffing swoops in and steals the show, just like the real Matty Ice. The Lions, Cardiac Cats as I like to call them, have been the master of the unnecessary 4th quarter comeback for the past two years now and I know see no reason for this to change. When you tell me Matty Ice is at the helm might as well be saying,”so you’re telling me there’s a chance!!!”. Vikings dominate most of the game before a late pick by Keenum, displaying the true frat basement 6 that he is, allows Matty Ice and Marvin Jones Jr to steal the show.
Prediction: Lions 27 Vikings 24
Dallas Cowboys(5-5) VS
San Diego Los Angeles Chargers(4-6)
AT&T Stadium, 4:30 PM, CBS
Thanksgiving meal equivalent: Mashed Potatoes
Just like mashed potatoes, there’s nothing special about this game. It’s simple, straightforward, type of game you’d let your daughter date, but you know that’s perfectly fine and Thanksgiving just wouldn’t be right without it. Both these teams seemed to have much more destined for them, Cowboys coming off their best season in a decade and the Chargers finally looking healthy and in a new city, but alas both seem to have fallen out of playoff contention. Just cause this may not affect whose playing in January though, doesn’t mean this won’t be interesting and wholesome. The Cowboys are expected to welcome All-Pro Tackle Tyron Smith back to the lineup and just in time too, as the Chargers boast the best pass rushing duo in all of football, Melvin Ingram and Joey Bosa. Between the two of them they have 19 sacks already this season and will be looking to keep Dallas QB Dak Prescott running for his life, like he has the past two weeks sans Smith. In the end this matchup is what I think the game will come down to and in the end I have too much love for Dak.
AND LET LACKDADDY BE THE VERY FIRST TO WISH YOU, A HAPPY DAKSGIVING, Cowboys 34 Chargers 24
New York Giants (2-8) VS Washington Redskins (4-6):
Fedex Field, 8:25 PM, NBC
Thanksgiving Meal Equivalent: Aunt Sherry’s dumpster fire pudding
Disgusting, horrid, and just plain unappealing…but you know if you don’t have at least some on your plate Aunt Sherry might cry cause she recently got divorced. That’s this game. The Giants are well on their way to a top 5 pick and possibly reuniting Eli Manning with old coach Tom Coughlin down in the land of bath salts. The Redskins after a disappointing season, have been ostracizing QB Kirk Cousins for the past 3 years and unless they would like to franchise tag him for a third straight year, he, just like Aunt Sherry’s husband, will be out the door onto something bigger and better.
Prediction: Redskins scalp the Giants, 24-13
HAPPY THANKSGIVING YALL